Finish the Race

“Let us lay aside every weight and sin which clings so closely, and run with endurance the race that is set before us.” Hebrews 12:1

When I’m in chronic pain, whether it be physical and/or emotional, I have a choice in how I’m going to respond. I can react in a way that pleases and glorifies God or I can behave selfishly and throw myself a pity party. I’ve certainly done the latter more times than I’d like to admit because it’s hard, and I’ve chosen not to focus on God’s purposes in it.

Currently I’m ashamed to say that I’ve allowed the reality of dealing with four distinct illnesses to overwhelm me. It’s easy to want to give up; the hard thing is to choose to continue to fight with the strength God gives me each day. I’ve discovered that every day is a new day, meaning my circumstances are usually challenging in different ways, and if I don’t force myself to thank God for all He’s given me and for what I do have, then Satan gets a foothold.

I probably wouldn’t trade all the “problems” I think I have with another’s because my list of blessings far outweighs them. What do I really have to complain about? Nothing. I’m reminded of Jesus and everything he suffered and know He understands. He literally took on the weight of the world and died for me for all the mistakes I’ve made in my life so that I can spend eternity with Him. I’m so undeserving, and yet He loves me just the way I am. How can I possibly let pain get the best of me?

“Consider him who endured from sinners such hostility against himself, so that you may not grow weary or faint hearted.” Hebrews 12:3

Journeys Meant to Share

As I mentioned in a previous blog, I recently had a relapse with alcohol after a year and a half of sobriety and ended up going through detox for five days at a treatment center. This is something I never, ever want to have to do again. It’s hell on earth for the most part. The doctor’s explanation as to why he thinks it happened blew me away.

The culprits most likely - two habit-forming drugs (Klonopin for anxiety and Tramadol for pain), which caused the dopamine levels in my brain to rise to the pleasure point of making my brain believe I’d already started drinking before I actually had. Fascinating. I realize I’m the one who purchased the alcohol, and I take responsibility for that. It’s just that drinking again wasn’t ever an option before I started taking these two drugs. And it didn’t feel like a choice, even though it was. The decision resembled a dream more than anything else.

I wanted to post this as a caveat to those who are struggling with addiction or might know someone who is – that Klonopin or Clonozapam is highly addictive and unsafe for drunks like me to use. The doctor who continued the prescription was unaware of this, and so was her nursing staff.

As unfortunate as it is that the relapse occurred, I believe God has many purposes for it that He’s using. I trust Him to bring me out of yet another ditch I’ve dug. Thank goodness God corrected the problem so quickly. A dear friend reminded me this is because He cares. I also believe that despite all the second-guessing I’ve done as to whether or not to write about drinking, a journey is meant to be shared with others.

Losing a Loved One

“Heaven is not here, it’s There. If we were given all we wanted here, our hearts would settle for this world rather than the next. God is forever luring us up and away from this one, wooing us to Himself and His still invisible Kingdom, where we will certainly find what we so keenly long for.”  Elisabeth Elliot

Why is it still shocking to lose a loved one who lived to be 90? I’m not sure. And is it really loss or merely a temporary separation? I believe and hope in the latter. My sweet grandmother, Honey, passed away on Saturday due to a complication, after a very risky but successful surgery to remove cancer from her colon. My aunt was with her and said she went in peace.

I’m thankful I got to talk to Honey briefly while she was in the hospital and got to tell her how much I loved her. I’m thankful God gave me a chance to speak with her about Christ and all He’s done for me…and that she responded likewise. I’m thankful she wasn’t alone when she passed. And I’m thankful I got to know her a little better in the last year.

Romans 8:18 has become one of my favorite verses that’s comforted me in times of physical agony. This morning, as I reflect on it, its meaning is even more profound when it comes to my knee-jerk, generic reaction of losing a loved one.

“For I consider that the sufferings of the present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed to us.”

I recently read “The Pursuit of God” by A.W. Tozer. Following is one of his prayers. It’s a rich read that broadened my perspective on God in mind-blowing ways.

“O God, quicken to life every power within me, that I may lay hold on eternal things. Open my eyes that I may see; give me acute spiritual perception; enable me to taste Thee and know that Thou art good. Make heaven more real to me than any earthly thing has ever been. Amen.”  A.W. Tozer