Hard to Love?

“If people say, ‘I love God,’ but hate their brothers or sisters, they are liars. Those who do not love their brothers and sisters, whom they have seen cannot love God whom they have never seen.’” 1 John 4:20

Are you hard to love or do you find it hard to love someone you’re not even sure you like? Recently I read the book of Hosea in the Bible where God commands Hosea to go and marry an unfaithful woman and love her. Hosea, the profit, obeys and marries Gomer, who is adulterous. His story parallels God’s unrelenting relationship with Israel. It also made me realize how much He loves me.

Therefore, I must love and forgive people, even if the feelings don’t always exist because that’s what God commands me to do. If Hosea can find a way to love his wife who was a prostitute and made him look like a fool, then surely I can love another person who isn’t as close to me as a spouse.

And if God can love me after all the times I’ve run away from Him, gone my own way and sinned against Him, then surely I can get it through my head that I can love anyone, no matter what they’ve done or how much I feel they’ve offended me. It’s that simple.

The best part of Hosea’s story is how he takes Gomer the prostitute back into his loving arms. God has done the same for me. He’s wooed me back when I don’t deserve it. That’s love. I want to know this kind of love, and I know I can through Him.

He made a promise to Israel and said, “So I am going to attract her; I will lead her into the desert and speak tenderly to her. There I will give her back her vineyards, and I will make the Valley of Trouble a door of hope.”    Hosea 2:14-15

This touches my heart so deeply. God is tender and sweet. Merciful and full of grace.

Finish the Race

“Let us lay aside every weight and sin which clings so closely, and run with endurance the race that is set before us.” Hebrews 12:1

When I’m in chronic pain, whether it be physical and/or emotional, I have a choice in how I’m going to respond. I can react in a way that pleases and glorifies God or I can behave selfishly and throw myself a pity party. I’ve certainly done the latter more times than I’d like to admit because it’s hard, and I’ve chosen not to focus on God’s purposes in it.

Currently I’m ashamed to say that I’ve allowed the reality of dealing with four distinct illnesses to overwhelm me. It’s easy to want to give up; the hard thing is to choose to continue to fight with the strength God gives me each day. I’ve discovered that every day is a new day, meaning my circumstances are usually challenging in different ways, and if I don’t force myself to thank God for all He’s given me and for what I do have, then Satan gets a foothold.

I probably wouldn’t trade all the “problems” I think I have with another’s because my list of blessings far outweighs them. What do I really have to complain about? Nothing. I’m reminded of Jesus and everything he suffered and know He understands. He literally took on the weight of the world and died for me for all the mistakes I’ve made in my life so that I can spend eternity with Him. I’m so undeserving, and yet He loves me just the way I am. How can I possibly let pain get the best of me?

“Consider him who endured from sinners such hostility against himself, so that you may not grow weary or faint hearted.” Hebrews 12:3

Poem: Your Storehouses of Snow

Open your storehouses of snow,                                                     Let it come down                                                                            Over my sins                                                                                   Cover the filth below.

You lay a blanket across the ground                                                   Of my dark and painful past,                                                          When it melts, I am clean                                                                   of sins never meant to last.

The pure white washes my sins away

setting me free 

of memories of yesterday

locked inside of me.

Open your storehouses of snow,

Let it come down,

Over my sins

Help me let go

You are the majestic, white quilt

That comforts me in the storm.

I live in the temple you built,

Wrapped in your arms, safe and warm.

I’ve been so lost,

Deceived with lies,

I’ve paid the cost,

Because of compromise.

Open your storehouses of snow,

Let it come down

Around us as we dance

A second chance

In the newness of your

forgiveness I now know.

Journeys Meant to Share

As I mentioned in a previous blog, I recently had a relapse with alcohol after a year and a half of sobriety and ended up going through detox for five days at a treatment center. This is something I never, ever want to have to do again. It’s hell on earth for the most part. The doctor’s explanation as to why he thinks it happened blew me away.

The culprits most likely - two habit-forming drugs (Klonopin for anxiety and Tramadol for pain), which caused the dopamine levels in my brain to rise to the pleasure point of making my brain believe I’d already started drinking before I actually had. Fascinating. I realize I’m the one who purchased the alcohol, and I take responsibility for that. It’s just that drinking again wasn’t ever an option before I started taking these two drugs. And it didn’t feel like a choice, even though it was. The decision resembled a dream more than anything else.

I wanted to post this as a caveat to those who are struggling with addiction or might know someone who is – that Klonopin or Clonozapam is highly addictive and unsafe for drunks like me to use. The doctor who continued the prescription was unaware of this, and so was her nursing staff.

As unfortunate as it is that the relapse occurred, I believe God has many purposes for it that He’s using. I trust Him to bring me out of yet another ditch I’ve dug. Thank goodness God corrected the problem so quickly. A dear friend reminded me this is because He cares. I also believe that despite all the second-guessing I’ve done as to whether or not to write about drinking, a journey is meant to be shared with others.

Days Like These

I’ve been caught in my joy twice this past week. Once while I’m on the way back from Ft. Worth by a good looking man in a convertible and once on my way to church in Glen Rose by the police.

I’m driving south on 377, having a Jerry McGuire moment, like the one he had when he’s in the car singing “I’m Free” after just signing Cush. Except I’m belting out, “Deliver Me” by Bethany Dillon. I must have hit repeat at least three times before I realize there’s a guy with his top down too, right behind my car. And he’s smiling. Big time. I can’t figure out if he thinks I smiled at him first, but I decide he must have been tailing me for some time. It’s funny. I laugh.

We coast past Up-A-Creek Liquors, which makes for humble irony. It wasn’t hard to resist the damaged goods that awaited inside. I would certainly be up a creek if I stopped. The guy in the convertible finally turns off at the Last-Chance-Fina gas station, headed for Acton.

Then, different song, new day. Once again, it’s a sing-in-your-shower-and-car kind of day…and I’m off to church. Now I’m singing “Get Up And Walk” by the same artist when I suddenly look up to see the flashing lights of a police vehicle. Turns out my registration sticker expired in August, I don’t have my current proof of insurance with me, and I’m speeding.

Thank you Officer Nick for your forgiveness. I will try my best to “pay it forward.” I’m hoping my joy rubbed off on him.

What kind of joy are you caught in today? Hope it makes your heart sing.

Sorrow = Victory

“Those who sow in tears will reap with shouts of joy. Though one goes along weeping, carrying the bag of seed, he will surely come back with shouts of joy, carrying his sheaves.” Psalm 126:5-6

I’ve noticed that many times right after I experience perhaps the greatest victory in my life, immediately after falls the greatest sorrow. Could it be that success is made of the same substance as failure? I think so since failure can also be considered success. If this is true, then suffering can equal victory.

One example of this is when my dad died. It was a huge loss, but I felt relieved because he wasn’t suffering any more. And I knew he was in heaven, which is a victory, but at the same time a sorrow overwhelmed me when I realized I’d be separated from him. These two extreme emotions and states of mind almost collided because they were so close to each other. Instead, one replaced the other.

Another example of significant loss was a boyfriend four years ago. After he left, God gave me a season of incredible might, followed by another season of loss. I am strongest at my weakest in God’s strength.

The two forces are identical in nature and power. One minute I’m experiencing the best thing that’s ever happened to me and the next, the worst. Why is that? I see it everywhere when I look for it. The two are a mirror image.

Since this has proven true in the past, then I can be assured when I feel terrific sorrow now that terrific joy is right around the corner. Because any time there’s an ending, there has to be a beginning.

Poem: Remain in Me

Into You I run

Sweet surrenderance

I throw myself

Escaping into romance

The funny ways you love me

That make it undeniably you

Your spirit so steady,

So unbelievably true

Into you I run

Weeping, weeping

Tears of pure joy

Words colliding

In trying to describe

I feel your breath

Smiling upon my face

The sunshine of

Your soft embrace

Pursuing me

That’s what you do,

Rocking me gently in a hug

Like a homemade quilt

Instantly erasing

The shame

The guilt

Into You I run

Into You I fall

Into You I am

Into You I’m all

Showering me with your spirit

Your overwhelming inspiration

Making my soul sing

In anticipation of the

drink of water tomorrow

promises to bring

Your words ring true,

Remain in Me,

And I’ll remain in you

Poem: Mysterious Ways

God Moves in a Mysterious Way

By William Cowper in 1767

God moves in a mysterious way

His wonders to perform;

He plants his footsteps in the sea

And rides upon the storm.

Deep in unfathomable mines

Of never failing skill

He treasures up his bright designs

And works his sovereign will.

You fearful saints, fresh courage take;

The clouds you so much dread

Are big with mercy and shall break

In blessings on your head.

His purposes will ripen fast,

Unfolding every hour;

The bud may have a bitter taste,

But sweet will be the flower.

Blind unbelief is sure to err

And scan his work in vain;

God is his own interpreter,

And he will make it plain.

A Prayer for Today: Yours I'm All

Dear Lord,

Thank you for waking me to thoughts of you. Slept like a butterfly in a cocoon. You take no chances on answering my prayers for watchful rest. I’m so relaxed; I feel your weight upon my chest. I can barely walk this morning and wonder if it’s really the flu this time or just the herxheimer reaction to the IV and injection. A reply from you so sublime. No matter – I’m surrounded by you and sense your heart on top of mine, embodying my spirit so heavily I’m sedated, longing to be fruit on your vine.

Can I stay like this forever, wrapped in your arms, safe in my suffering? Even though I have your love, I long for you. Even more. Hold me closer, closer, closer than before. Never let me go. Keep my soul in your space. Please don’t ever let it stray again, far from you in my remorseful sin.

Won’t you continue to deliver me all over again today? Deliver me Jesus. Deliver me. Your hands of mercy set me free. Thanks be to you for showering me with the power of prayer yesterday. All day I felt your immeasurable greatness upon my beating heart, your sacrifice too heavy from the start.

You made me feel beautiful, despite the filth that I am. You made me soar on the wings of eagles, not letting my foot slip, even as temptations lured longingly after my reactions. How can I not tell the world about your love? You make it so real, so surreal, and so unique.

I’m excited for the drink of water that’s the promise of today. Looking forward to the women’s Bible study headed my way. Be a part of every thought I am and have, keeping me captive to your ways. I will cherish your romance the rest of my days. Please give me your strength and courage to overcome the flaws that overwhelm me. Rescue me from my self-destructive tendencies.

Only you, Lord. You’re all I need, my portion forever and ever. The smoothness of your affection runs like a river inside of me. You make me remember that my weaknesses are your strength, and you’ll go to any length to stay with me. Forgive my deafness. Forgive my inability to see you reaching out, wooing me closer. You are too much. Today you help me get up and walk. I’m so thankful I’m at home with you. I’m so completely in love with you. Yours…I’m all. I’m all yours.

God's Domain

“Simon, Simon, Satan has asked to test all of you as a farmer sifts his wheat. I have prayed that you will not lose your faith! Help your brothers be stronger when you come back to me.” Luke 22:31-32

I’ve had my face in the mud this past week…or mud on my face. Literally. Satan’s had his way with me, sifting me like wheat.  And I haven’t been on my knees while praying. Oh no. I’ve been face down on the floor, begging for mercy.

I ended up drinking again and decided to go through detox for five days at a treatment center. This is something I hope to never do again. It’s a bit of hell on earth.

This morning I cried out to God, and He’s been good to remind me of what I haven’t lost, no matter how bad things get. Him! He’s been with me, even though I didn’t feel His presence the whole time. I know He never left my side.

Yesterday, He got me home safely, as I drove four hours through the most beautiful parts of Texas…past so many wineries, breweries and liquor stores I finally lost count.

I’m relieved to be home again, in the home He’s provided for me, even though I only got three hours of sleep last night due to anxiety and fibromyalgia pain. At least I had my passive exerciser to get my blood circulating, an Epson salt bath, a warm robe, and the most comfortable bed on the planet. Plus, I didn’t wake up with crickets all over my floor or one staring me in the face on my pillow, like the morning before.

Thank the Lord He hasn’t kept the ending to things a secret. If I focus on this during these trials, how can I not weep for joy, knowing eternity awaits and this suffering is for His good in me?

“Satan does nothing outside of God’s domain, and God uses Satan to advance the cause of his kingdom.” Max Lucado “When Christ Comes”